We all want the rush of attraction. The passion of new love. The security of a long-term connection. But very few of us want the pain and trauma of a broken heart.

If that's where you find yourself now, I'm sorry. If you are wrestling with distress and waves of overwhelming emotion, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Heartbreak hurts.

You may be vacillating between confusion and sadness. Or struggling to manage anger, disappointment, or even betrayal.

Or you may very well be numb.

All of your emotions are valid. And healing will take time. But you should know that healing is an emotional process and a choice to move on. Can you do it? Of course! With help and a plan, you can recover and grow. Consider the following steps to begin your path forward:

1. Give Yourself Time to Grieve

It’s okay to go slow. Your loss is real and your grieving is justified. You don't have to rush through it, but do acknowledge it. Allow time and space for healthy expression of your hurt and concerns about your future.

Grief is not a standard to meet. Set aside any grief checklists. This is your time to feel deeply and mourn honestly.

2. Resist Repeat Good-byes

When grief and distress begin to wane, say a firm good-bye to your relationship. The temptation to reconnect emotionally and physically with your former may feel irresistible.

Don't give in. Recruit a loved one to help you if necessary. Otherwise, you run the risk of entering into an inauthentic and harmful game of reunification and breaking up. Separating repeatedly just exacerbates your pain.

3. Break Up Online Too

Technology makes it very easy to self-sabotage when it comes to healing your broken heart. It's much too easy to cyberstalk and ruminate over your ex-partner's life without you. 

The discipline required to avoid this avenue toward emotional setbacks is often hard to come by early on.  To heal may require a social media moratorium or an accountability partner for a while. Allow yourself time to get stronger. Put your curiosity in a healthier place before scrolling through Facebook again.

4. Build the Right Kinds of Relationships

Right now, you just want to stop hurting. You might even want someone to help you start healing as soon as possible.

There's nothing wrong with that. But you can go about seeking out such a relationship in the wrong way.

Believe it or not, the relationship you need is not a romantic one. You need support, objectivity, trustworthiness, and a safe place to work through your personal and relational issues. That journey is best taken with a nonjudgmental loved one and your therapist right now. 

Then, later, a romantic partner will benefit from your growth and your current heartbreak won't interfere with your future together.

5. Don't Sacrifice Your Self-care

You've lost a relationship. And, for a while, you may even feel like you lost part of yourself.

Use self-care to feel whole again. 

Self-care is more than bubble baths, makeovers, and vacations ( though do those things if they make you happy). Self-care is a combination of self-compassion, healthy reflection, and personal growth. Take time to be in a full, enriching relationship with yourself. 

Challenge negative thoughts and damaging self-talk. Give yourself a break. Acknowledge your own humanness and fallibility. Consider them pathways to important and valuable lessons. Remind yourself that you are a worthwhile person because you always were... not because a partner says so.

Maintain a daily routine. Regular physical, emotional, and mental maintenance and activity help you feel good on a holistic level. As you incorporate self-care, you may find you are more self-aware and resilient as you heartbreak starts to heal.

Seek Support for Your Healing Heart

It's okay if you feel stuck today. It's alright if you don't know quite how to move on. Broken hearts need support and care. You deserve the time it takes to heal. You don't have to do any of this alone.

A therapist is an ally when your heart and hopes feel shattered. Getting over your relationship is a process. I am here to help. Let's work to help you you navigate complex emotions, identify obstacles to your happiness, and launch your recovery and newfound freedom. Please reach out and contact me for a consultation soon.