How to Be the Listener Your Partner Needs
There’s been a lot of talk about communication in our post-pandemic age. A major portion of that focus has to do with talking and sharing effectively. More specifically, we’re all trying to become more aware of the way we speak to and about each other, particularly since many partners are now spending so much time together.
Despite the challenges, this may be viewed as a wonderful and long-overdue development. The desire to be seen and heard runs through all of us. Within society and each relationship, deeper connection leans heavily on productive, responsive communication.
Yet, communicating with your partner is about more than just the words you use. It is also about quality listening. Becoming the listener your partner needs will validate them, strengthen your attachment, and enrich your shared life.
Why Deep Listening Matters
A wealth of relationship studies find that most of us believe we are better listeners than we actually are. Often, long-term relationships fall into a pattern of assumption and reaction that can interfere with listening and contribute to misunderstanding.
So, why not play it safe and refine your listening skills to ward off unnecessary disconnect and conflict sooner rather than later?
Deep listening is a term used to mark the crucial distinction between listening to respond and listening to understand. It matters to your partner because, they look to you for trust, validation, support, and understanding. It very much matters to them (and to you) that their significant other is paying attention and values their thoughts and contributions. The related benefits of committing deep listening include:
Reduced number of misunderstandings
Reduced number of repetitive arguments
Smoother conflict resolution
A deeper sense of connection
Deep listening is the goal. To follow are some proven paths in that direction.
6 Ways to Be the Listener Your Partner Needs
1. Show Commitment
Take listening seriously and show your partner that you take it seriously. No one is going to get it right every single time. What matters most is a clear demonstration of how important it is for you. Listening well communicates that you want to be a reliable and emotionally connected partner.
2. Practise Mindfulness
Good listening skills require you to be present. Practising mindfulness (e.g. through meditation) is a helpful step. You can learn to balance distractions with the importance of your partner's desire to share openly with you.
3. Step Away From Your Devices
As it pertains to distractions, is there anything more disappointing when someone is more focused on their phone than what you’re saying? Avoid subjecting your partner to this disrespect. Intentionally power down your devices during conversations.
4. Check Your Body Language
Demonstrate your engagement by retaining control over your body language, facial expressions, and vocal tone (when you reply). Maintain eye contact and appropriate posture to display your interest and involvement.
5. Ask Questions... But Don't Interrupt
When you believe it is time to reply, be sure that is the case. Take care that you let your partner finish their point. Do not interrupt but… when you do respond, don’t hesitate to ask clarifying questions. Let your partner know some deep listening was happening with reflective statements and curiosity (not judgment) about their point of view.
6. Embrace the Process
Like all aspects of your relationship, your communication style will evolve. Deep listening is not a destination. It’s not like getting a degree when you graduate. Being the listener your partner needs is an ongoing process. Embrace the journey, enjoy growing closer along the way.
So, Should You Hire a Listening Expert?
Yes, but don’t rush to the nearest search engine looking for a "listening coach." The person to contact is a compassionate, experienced therapist. More specifically, you can reach out to a counsellor well-versed in the needs and concerns of couples.
In couples sessions, you and your partner will be provided with a safe space in which to hone your relationship skills. Habits and patterns will be identified. You have room to role-play and practice connecting with support and without judgment.
Listening well can be challenging. When it is steeped in the myriad emotions of a relationship, it only makes sense that you’d seek some guidance. Please read more about couples counselling today for more information. It may be one of the most important phone calls you’ve ever made. I'm here to help. Contact us soon for a consultation.