Why Your Baby Will Benefit From Parents Who Aren’t Perfectionists

In the grown-up world, perfectionism doesn't seem so bad. At first.

We often equate demands that everything remains "just so" and looks "just right" with everything being the way it "should" be.

We often concede, too, that a perfectionist is an apt gatekeeper, the one who keeps exceptional parameters for what is appropriate and successful... regardless of how stressed they are because of it.

But that's the grownup world.

At home, where your new baby lives, that kind of heavily imposed order and demanding perfectionism can be thoroughly stifling and totally nerve-wracking. Babies and new parents really don't need that kind of pressure. 

Try to remember, your baby doesn't need you to have it all together, all the time.

Your baby actually just needs you to grow into the role. Based on their needs and wants, they want to know that you see and hear them. Based on your desire to engage and communicate, they crave your love and attention.

Raising your child can be an adventure that produces a confident and capable person. If you let it happen. Your baby will benefit joyfully from your willingness to let your anxiety take a back seat. 

Still, not sure? Understanding  how much your child stands to gain may help:

Why Your Baby Will Benefit From Parents Who Aren’t Perfectionists

1. Emotional awareness and freedom is possible

Perfectionist parents tend to suppress their emotions and teach this to their child. Perfectionism doesn't allow for much emotional messiness. Thus, stuffing tears, hurt, disappointment, etc becomes chronic. If your child senses that they shouldn't feel and express their emotions, they may eventually lose touch with them. 

However, if you aren't perfectionists you grant your child the chance to notice, name, and express their feelings freely.

2. They'll believe nothing is "wrong" with them

Emotionally disconnected, perfectionistic parents could raise a child who is not only disconnected but ashamed of feeling emotions. They might feel ashamed and flawed for struggling to feel and behave appropriately all the time. This could lead to chronic self-criticism and guilt.

Giving up your perfectionism allows your child to feel their own emotions without unhealthily connecting them to others' rules and demands. This encourages a healthy sense of self and independence. Confidence and self-esteem become solid inner resources.

3. Failure and mistakes aren't overwhelming

In a perfectionistic household, children are validated when they are successful. The fear of failure can cause kids to give up on themselves too early or lean on parents too heavily. The sense that they might not be good enough or capable enough holds them back. Mistakes come to mean inadequacy.

But, thankfully, your resilient baby will benefit from encouraging parents. Without perfectionism, your baby will feel free to try things and embrace the chance to grow and learn. They will enjoy just as many parental cheers for their attempts as for their successes. Maybe even more.

4. People will be a happy source of interest and connection 

Sadly, perfectionistic parents often communicate that life is full of critics... and pleasing them is more important than feeling safe, loved, and understood. Over time, this can create a people-pleasing or a defensive child.

On the other hand, letting your perfectionism go supports quite the opposite. When you are less worried about being perfect, you can focus on meaningful communication and positive feedback. Your child will learn to trust you and respond to you openly. As time goes on, their view of the world becomes increasingly optimistic and they open to learning and sharing with others. 

Letting go of your perfectionistic “shoulds” can head off parental depression too.

It is important to accept that perfection in parenting is a fantasy. The exhausting, painful ideal that you or your partner could always do or say the "right" things is actually harmful to your own mental health.

Such pressure can lead to or exacerbate postpartum or post-paternal depression. Resist being sucked into the idea that you "should" be this or "should" do that to be perfectly happy. Your baby benefits simply from your desire to be with and care for them, whatever the circumstance.  

However, if you still find your perfectionism is too hard to overcome on your own, please seek help. I am an experienced therapist and I am here for you. You can do this! Please read more about perinatal therapy and let's talk soon.